Colgate Simply White sucks.  Don't get me wrong.  I wasn't expecting a miracle for only 12 bucks, but damn!  This shit sucks.

The concept, in theory, is pretty cool.  You brush the shit on out of a container that looks disconcertingly like a Liquid Paper bottle, and then go about your day, whitening your teeth until you look like that chick who hosts Trading Spaces: all toothy and shit.

BUT.

It seems you have to dry your teeth.  You know... with a towel and all.  No problem.  Seems a bit weird, but whatever.

The next step is the one they show in the commercials.  You brush the stuff on your choppers.  No problemo.

THEN, the final instruction: keep your teeth dry for five minutes.

Excuse me?

I don't recall the guy in the commercial... the one with the good hair who's watching a basketball game?  The one whose teeth are already white?  Yeah, him.  I don't see HIM snarling like an idiot, trying desperately to not get his teeth all wet and shit.  I mean, I'm pretty sure I would have remembered that part of the commercial.

I challenge each and every one of you to try to keep your teeth dry for five minutes.  It can be done, but you feel like a psycho or something.  The other day, I was wearing a purple shirt, and the belly I carry and the lack of hair and the keeping-the-teeth-dry thing was making me look a whole lot like Grimace, which is not a Good Thing, even if he IS a friend of Donald Trump and has a high-profile job with a major corporation.

I've actually getting pretty good with my keeping-the-teeth-dry skillz... that's right, baby... I gots the Simply White Skillz.  Don't mess with me.  I'm doing this shit driving to work and all.  And there's a benefit: other drivers don't seem to mess with me.

And my fucking teeth had better GLIMMER in two weeks.

I really like your site Dude!

Your site is crap, you obviously have no idea how to use the product. It even says it on the site that you should let the product dry on your teeth for THIRTY seconds...I don't know where you got five minutes from...It seems to me that the product does not work for you...that's probably because u have no teeth. Your toe nails don't count moron.

TIM SAYS:
Not that I think I should respond to flames, but....

On the OUTSIDE it says 30 seconds. Inside, it says that "For Best Results" you should wait five mins. So I do. Or did. I switched to Crest WhiteStrips and love them.

So how is it doing so far?

hi i am doing a project on which product works best, simply white or crest whitestrips. I need different oppinions from different people. And please explain why or why not you do not like this product or why you like it or if you even used it.
Thank you greatly appreciated,
liz

ok
im seeing the progress of this convo and the last post before mine was December 29. Its february 9. Im making a hypothesis of when i will recieve some comments and i am getting the feeling people will give me responses in 2 FREAKIN MONTHS. my project will eventually be due by then. LOL

hi im back
I NEED SOME ANSWERS HERE

The Colgate is crap, and no matter what they say, it doesn't work on everybody's teeth. I have one friend who it worked on, but it didn't work on mine or another friend's, used exactly as directed. The Crest whitening strips worked beautifully.

ok i finished the project! HALLELUJIA
ok crest white strips was found to work best. I saw amazing results and my tester's teeth may not have came up to be 6 shades whiter. Her teeth didn't look like Julia Robert's teeth though either. But in conclusion i found that none of this crap works best and i got an inside look and found out that they actually use cow s*** in their product so its best if you use none of this crap

So, how much is Crest paying your ass? Those stupid gross band-aids they make you put on your teeth are nasty and kill your gums. Not to mention, they rip you off--how much do you really think it costs them to make them vs how much they charge you. Slave drivers at that company, use children to make those slimey things for pennies and then charge us like $30.

As far as your asessment of Colgate, you might want to unfog your glasses or get new lenses. You don't have to dry your teeth, you put the gel on and you are out the door. Ok, so you wait 15 mins before eating/drinking. BIG DEAL. Don't know where you got the 5 min deal but think you bought your watch at the same place you got your broken glasses.

heres the cheepest and most effective way to whiten your choppers. buy a bag of 100% real cotton balls and some regular peroxide from the dollar store. unroll the cotton ball, wet it with peroxide and stick it on the front of your teeth. Keep it on for like 25 minutes a day. Did you know the only active ingredient in crest white strips is peroxide? There ripping you off dude. Its ok to only spend 3 bucks and have pretty white teeth.

I think the crest whitestrips work the best