Yesterday, I watched the entire prayer service from Yankee Stadium. I'll tell you what... that was a moving couple of hours. I cried a lot, and yet I reveled in the hope and resolve that these people have. It was a great service. There were clergy from eight different world religions. As I was watching them, I was struck by how alike all these religions were. The name of the deity was different, but the theme of love, understanding, eternal grace... those were the same. They were MUCH more alike than they were different. It's amazing that over the thousands of years that mankind has been forming various theologies, they end up being so universal in theme. This not only validates the existence of a higher power to my mind, it also gives me great hope that we can all get along. I'm becoming less judgmental than I used to be. As a gay person who grew up in a politically correct society, I have never had open hatred for other individuals, but I have had private, unspoken prejudice toward certain cultures and people. These have made me ashamed of myself, so I have hidden them. I have never spoke of them at all until now. I know that prejudice comes from a lack of understanding. I have friends of many colors and backgrounds, and I have liked each one for what they have taught me, but I remained biased of their color or background in general. Instead of these attacks reinforcing or building my prejudices, they instead crumbled and blew away, like the dust in those towers. I don’t know why, other than the fact that I’m grown up now and can reform my own opinions, or perhaps because in the face of such terror and sorrow, I have realized that life is too short to hate. There has been talk of the good that has come in the face of such horror. We can hope and pray that the unity this nation feels continues for a long time. The ultimate victory in the War Against Terrorism will be the total tolerance in our society.

I'm very concerned about travel in Texas now. Texas has a great freeway and highway system (we ought to. It's CONSTANTLY under construction), and driving, esp. between the major cities, is pretty easy, but Texas is big. If you were to drive from Houston to L.A., you would drive over half the trip inside Texas. El Paso is just past the mid-point. A drive from San Antonio to Dallas is about six hours. To combat these distances, Texans have taken to the air. Southwest Airlines, Continental Airlines, and American Airlines are ALL headquartered in Texas. Flying is a big part of our economy, and a big cog in the intrastate travel wheel. Security checks (which I don't begrudge. WE NEED THEM) will add, at least for now, about three hours to the flying experience. One can drive from Houston to Dallas in that amount of time, so flying NOW TAKES LONGER THAN DRIVING. If you don't drive, or don't want to drive, then your only other option now is to take a bus. Texas has no interurban train service, except some limited trains in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Each time high speed, interurban train service is proposed, it gets shot down by the airline lobby (who has lots of influence; it's no mistake that three major airlines are based here). I think the time is nigh for renewed development in the rail industry.

Friday. A Day of Prayer and Rememberance. The shock has worn away, and the tears are flowing freely. Words are not adequate to express the tragedy and travesty. Personally, my emotions are very raw; I feel as if I could break into tears at any moment. I haven't been able to sleep well for days. My heart breaks everytime I see a flyer looking for someone that is most likely dead. Pain and loss have become a way of life for over 5000 families in this country, and for everyone else, we are left with pain, anger and more pain. I think our way of life, our sense of security and ease of travel will never ever be the same. I mourn and pray for these things, and pray for the future of this country. God Bless America. Please.

In times of trial, I have to admit that I spend much of my free time attached to a television, watching the various news channels. Here's my impression of the various news outlets, and how I think they've served me, and helped me stay informed during these horrible hijacking and bombings. I've always been a big fan of MSNBC, every since they signed on. Brian Williams kinda freaks me out with his orange makeup and white circles under his eyes [tanning bed victim? perhaps], but all and all, they seem to do a good job delivering balanced and fair reporting. Then again, I prefer my local NBC affiliate's news team so I usually watch NBC Nightly News, so I may be used to that voice. CNN of course has proven that they have the resources to report from mulitiple fronts and can get pundits on the phone better than anyone I know of. They are the old standby, but they no longer stand alone on the cable dial, even basic cable. And I think that MSNBC gave them a run for their money. Some of the 'off the beaten path' news channels, which are part of my digital lineup, also did a pretty good job. We have a channel called International Newsfirst, which has basically been a feed of CNC, the Canadian News Channel. It has been interesting to watch them because they seem to show more of a world reaction to this. The covered the people who were diverted to Canada when we put a ground freeze on all of our airports. They had many thoughtful stories on the border crossings between Canada and the United States, and I really enjoyed them referring to us as "South of the Border." Similarly, it was MOST interesting to watch the BBC on BBC America. I always enjoy the BBC News. I consider it be the foremost news organization in the world. Unfortunately, just a few hours later, BBC America went back to showing their usual programming, and I didn't have the BBC anymore, though C-SPAN showed Breakfast, the BBC's morning show (much like NBC's TODAY show, without the obnoxious Americans waving in the background). I literally wish I could watch Breakfast every day, disaster or not. Here in Texas, we have a channel called TXCN, the Texas Cable News Network. They basically showed the CNN feed, while they broke every ten minutes to tell us how this affecting Texas. (Kind of an interesting viewpoint, and it makes sense if you, like myself, have lived here in Texas for any length of time.) About midday yesterday, my cable system in San Antonio added a channel called New York 1, which is a local news channel carried on Time Warner Cable in New York City. This has been heartbreaking to watch, because they are spending a lot of time showing people wandering the streets, looking for people that everyone pretty much knows is dead. Heartbreaking. This channel has made the tragedy real to me. It has been said that the Gulf War was the first war that was broadcast live on TV. Television news has changed the way we see the world, and I'm glad for it. I have over ten channels commited to the news right now. I keep watching, but I still wish I didn't have to.

The period of life where I wanna "rock and roll all night, and party everyday" is SO over. I'm not saying I'm opposed to going out and drinking, I'm just saying it's going to be few and far between for me. Special occasion kinda stuff, and I'm not talking about the "I-spell-checked-this-document,-and-it-was-perfect-when-I-typed-it" kinda special occasions. As recently as three years ago, I didn't think it was unusual to stay up all night partying. I could hang with the best of them, just ask anyone who knew me: I was a LOT of fun to hang with. I still am, but I don't drink to excess anymore. The past few times I've gone to a bar, I haven't drank at all. Whether I'm driving or not, I just don't like the feeling of being out of control. I have spent a LOT of money in therapy getting my wits about me and clarifying my thoughts, so why cloud them. I LOVE the lucidity that I have gained by being mentally healthy. I don't want to lose that, even for a few hours. Party folk might think this kinda boring, and they are right. I LOVE a night on the town, but I'll take boring over not knowing how I'm going to get home, because I'm too drunk to drive. That's excitement I can live without. I find when I DO go to bars to meet friends, etc, I either don't drink alcohol at all, or I drink VERY sparingly. As for illegal drugs, FORGET IT. Sudafed messes up my sleep for two days when I take it, I can only imagine what cocaine or meth or E, or whatever would do to me. I never really took drugs (rare for a person with my particular brand of mental illness... we tend to self-medicate) but I gotta say that there is NO way I would consider it now. All and all, it's not as bad as I used to think it would be. I'm just happy to have my wits about me, and able to take care of myself if I need to.

What has been really on my mind today is the plight of a woman was perched on the Ship Channel Bridge in Seattle, contemplating suicide. Her misfortune was to do so during rush hour. Apparently, some drivers didn't seem to care about a human life, only that their time was being wasted, so they taunted her, telling her to jump. The cable news networks have picked up on this story, and it was the topic of Talkback Live on CNN today. Apparently, in today's world, it is easy to find someone willing to say things on TV, via satellite, that make them look like total and complete assholes. I watched with outrage as a man said that suicide was another form of natural selection, and depressed people don't deserve to live. I'm sorry, but I'll have to take that issue personally. You see, I'm a person who has suffered severe depression. I've had it since I was a little boy. If not for my loving family, I might not be here now. They have rescued me several times, not from suicide attempts (Thank GOODNESS), but from severe, debilitating depression. Imagine feeling that if you left your house, the whole world would just defeat you anyway, so why bother? I literally had to be moved out of an apartment I lived in because the power got turned off. I had the money to pay it, but I couldn't get out of the house to do it. I barely walked my dog or ate. I'm not a stupid, moody human being. I just don't make enough seratonion in my brain to keep my mood elevated. A combination of drugs and therapy have made me whole again. I'm actually happier and better balanced than I've been since high school. So you can imagine what I was thinking when I heard the "natural selection" comment. I was livid. Then I was indignant. Then I was sad. Indeed, after sorting through my emotions (something that cognitive therapy has taught me to do) I decided that I was mostly sad because there are lots of folks out there who hurt everyday. It is beyond comprehension the sheer number of people who sufer from chronic depression. I'm lucky: my family has the resources to help me get better. Therapy (at 120 bucks an hour, four times a month) isn't cheap, nor are the $150 worth of "head meds" that I take each month. As far as I'm concerned, I can't afford NOT to take them, but what about those less fourtunate than myself? What happens to them? I know what happens, because I've seen it. We've ALL seen the old man who sits on the street, unwashed, looking sad. We've seen the drunks in the bar, the drugged-out prostitute on the street. We've seen these people and we've even laughed at them, but their pain is not funny. It strikes me that us laughing at a drunk is just as bad as the people taunting that poor woman to jump. It's easy to kill a soul that's almost dead. It's much more difficult to smile, and tell someone hello. I'm going to try to make a point to do the more difficult thing now. As the old saying goes: There, but for the grace of God, go I. The woman in Seattle? She jumped. She's one of the few folks that has jumped off of that bridge and lived. She's in bad shape, but the papers say she's going to be fine. The hospital is overwhelmed with the gifts and sentiments that have flowed from the public. I wish her the best.

I love where I live.

I live in New Braunfels, Texas, a midsize town of about 50,000 folks, right between San Antonio and Austin. The city is located on and adjacent to I-35, so it's about a thirty-minute drive into San Antonio, and about fourty-five-minute drive into Austin. In addition to that, we are blessed to have attractions of our own here. The city is one of the oldest in Texas, with two rivers that are perfect for tubing or rafting, and we are home to the Travel Channel's #1 rated waterpark, Schlitterbahn. (I KNOW the site is annoying, sorry). I work at a hotel here in town, and so I've become interested in the tourist trade, which is, of course, our biggest industry.

Living here is really cool, because the tourists all have to eat and shop, so we have restaurants and stores that most towns this size wouldn’t have. New Braunfels has worked hard to be a place where families could come for fun. Schlitterbahn has seven different water attractions for toddlers, for example, and many young families do indeed travel to see us. As a general rule, the waterpark is where everyone with the kiddos go, and young, single, party folks float the rivers. Many many folks who float the river are drinking constantly during their journey, some of which can take eight to twelve hours. It is not uncommon to see people arrested for public intoxication on the rivers, and the river outfitters are quick to warn that the police are watching.

Late this summer, I had a LOT of college kids stay in the hotel. They were pretty well behaved at the hotel, but after floating the river all day, they emerged from their rooms during the evening, sunburned and barely dressed, and asked me where the bars were. Despite living here (off and on) since I was about their age, I was stumped. I simply don’t go out in bars here in town. My reasons for this are many.

First, I don’t go out to bars that much, period. I used to, but those days are kinda behind me. Secondly, I don’t have many friends here in town, they are in San Antonio and Austin. And LASTLY when I DO go out, I usually prefer to go to gay bars, since I’m, you know, GAY and all.

However, armed with a great nap this afternoon (six hours!) and a morbid curiosity, I decided to see what the local scene had to offer. I was surprised at some of the places we have here in town.

My first stop, since I was hungry, was at Applebee's. I know, I know… it’s not local, and I hate chain restaurants, but I had heard that the bar area was quite happening. Indeed, when I arrived, there were lots of folks who seemed to know each other, and there was LOTS of drinking going on. I ate my meal (which I highly suspect was frozen at some point), had a Shiner Bock ($2.75), and got the hell out of there. The crowd: pathetic boozers, mid 40s. The music: Muzak, Soft Rock. Television: didn’t pay attention. But there was a sign on the TV that said “Due to copyright restrictions, we cannot turn the volume up to an audible level.

My next stop was a place called The Garden. It was basically a big patio with lots of folks on it. I didn’t stay long, because I felt so… Anglo. The scene at this place was reminiscent of a Hispanic family reunion, complete with Tejano music and little kids running around. I basically walked through, and left. I never DID see the bar, nor did I eat any of the barbeque that they were selling. The crowd: Hispanic family reunion. The music: Tejano. Television: none, but the DJ did have a variety of Radio Shack/Spencer Gifts party lights.

My next stop was a place called The Watering Hole. I knew where this place was, but had never ventured inside. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, and the unsettling “saloon” tag made me wary. Indeed, as I was walking in, there was a couple walking out, but I head a distinctively un-western bassline booming, so I went in. I was surprised. This place was packed! You enter into a bar area with tables and a uniformed cop checks your ID and stamps your hand. There was no cover charge, though they appeared to be set up to take them. The décor of The Watering Hole is… can we just say eclectic? There were many odd things hanging about, most of which had nothing to do with anything else. It’s actually rather fun, and it seems to work. The traffic flow was AWFUL, as there were lots of little narrow places that bottleneck the crowd. This bar comes equipped with at least three pool tables, and two electronic dartboards. Moving through the building, I was impressed to find another room with a dancefloor and another bar area. The bartender there sucked, and didn’t pay attention to who had been standing there the longest. I decided I’d find another bartender after he ignored me for over 5 minutes. I wandered through the mostly young crowd, getting eyed by people of both sexes, until I FINALLY found a bartender who was able to reduce himself to giving me a Shiner Bock ($3.00). As I sipped the beer, I wandered BACK to the dancefloor area to get a better look. I noticed that there were LOTS of really bad dancers, but that could be due to the shitty music. It was KISS-FM kinda stuff: Destiny’s Child, Will Smith… R&B and soft rap radio crap. No visible sign of a DJ, though the website claims they have one. There were some OKAY lights, at least they were professional-grade, but there did not appear to be any kind of intelligent lighting. Gay bars have always had the advantage over straight bars in this area. I could imagine myself having an okay time if I were here with friends, and I’ll probably go back, especially when I have friends in town. The crowd: young, somewhat attractive, and drunk as shit. The music: Will Smith. Destiny’s Child. ‘Nuff said. Television: they had LOTS of TVs, all tuned to different channels. Don’t know if they can hook it to the unseen DJ booth and play videos or not. I’m guessing not. Straight bars are SO different than gay ones.

My last stop of the evening was a place called Calahan’s Pub. I have been here before, and I kind like it, though it’s very small. It is nice and well-lit in there, and they have 14 different beers on tap, plus over 70 more in bottles. I had (you guessed it) a Shiner Bock ($2.75) and that was about it. The crowd here was the most attractive I’ve seen, and the staff was nice, too. The crowd: young, attractive 20-somethings. The music: Jukebox, but it’s got a good selection, ranging from Alterna-pop to disco to Harry Connick Jr. Television: They were on, didn’t pay attention. There are some other places here in town to go, and I promise I’ll review them later. Until then, you should come to New Braunfels. It’s a great little town, and there’s lots of fun to be had.