Yay. Friday. Yay.

I must admit to having a bit of writer's block the past month or so. I still have bitchy, funny, snarky things in my head, but when I sit here with the text editor open, my mind goes blank. It's like I haven't had time, what with work taking all my time and breathing being such an effort with this awful polluted air.

But those are just excuses, right? Maybe I've lost It, and nobody will ever read my site again, and I'll end up being asked to quit the Austin Journalers, and will be cast out of my social group and people will talk about me for months afterwards: "Can you BELIEVE that he kept posting content, even when it was so obvious that his creativity wilted and died months before?"

Ahem. I really need to get a grip, don't I? I've been around the online journaling/bogging/whatever community long enough to know that this is a normal part of the process, and that I'll be okay soon enough. I just don't like it.

Of course, this isn't my only writing. I'm keeping a sex diary of sorts, but don't bother to ask to see it (as if you'd want to) it's very well hidden. But I'm writing there.

My hope is that the new server and all the new whiz-bang gadgets there will inspire me to make some changes.

Inspiration. Passion. That's what's missing here, isn't it? Maybe I can find a Muse to inspire me...

I spent a great deal of yesterday being horked off at my hosting company.  My site just went away.  No warning, no notice... it just went away.  I'd been meaning to move my hosting anyway, and this seemed to be the incentive I needed.  I moved everyting to DreamHost, where I already administered several other domains, and had been wishing I'd picked them to begin with.

Everything moved amazingly quickly, because my new domain, timslounge.com, is up and running, and I was able to get Moveable Type set up and my templates and content moved pretty quickly.  Go me.

Dreamhost has a few things I've been wanting to put on my site, such as a notify list, so look for some of that sort of stuff to be added soon, as well as a general spruce-up.  Gotta keep it fresh for everyone... you picky bastards!

Of course, my old host came back up overnight... something about a fire or something, but screw them! Look at my new place! (yea, I know... looks just like the old one, but swear it's better!)

The good news is that it's not Monday.  The bad news is that it feels like one.

Also, my eye is injured in some way.  I need to go to a doctor or something, but my eye hurts, and my vision in that eye is blurry.  It seems prudent to not put a contact in that eye, but then, that whole "ability to see" thing that seems so popular these days is comprimised.  I guess THIS is why they say that you should have "backup glasses."

I'm an ungrateful cuss, aren't I?  To read the begining of this, you'd think I was in a foul, bitchy mood, and I'm not.  It's the pain in my eye speaking.  I had a great weekend, as I went to Houston.

On Friday, I went to visit my grandmother.  My great-grandmother is hanging in there and really looks amazing considering how long she's been this ill.  I love visiting with her, as her mind is still pretty clear.  Her death is nearing, though, because she's showing all the symptoms.  She's even dreaming of her late husband.  I'm so blessed to have hospice training, so I understand and am not scared about what's happening.  Sad, but not scared.  My grandmother, on the other hand is not dealing with the impending death of her mother very well.  It's frustrating, because she gets annoyed when we try to talk about it, and she so doesn't want to deal with it.  Not very healthy, but in our family, we tend to value denial just slightly above food and financial stability.  Frustrating for those of us who have therapy and know this not the way to deal with things!

I didn't spend the whole weekend at my Grandmother's however.  I went on in to Houston and had sort of a cheapie-mini-vacation.  It was wonderful to get to spend time with Kat, and to chat with her.  She's been a good friend to me over the years, and I value her time and opinion very much.  She's going through some changes right now, but I think in the end, she'll be better off, and I think she knows that, too.  I'm just glad I got to see her, but of course, our visit wasn't long enough.  Such is life.  Maybe when we're both retired and rich, we can go to Greece together and sit around on the beach and snark at people's outfits.  That'll be the life, eh?

I also got to spend some time with the Houston Area Bears.  I got to spend some time with James, and also got to attend a party on Sunday at Mary's that was hosted by the Bears.  Lots of fun.

Ah, Mary's.  Mary's is perhaps the oldest gay bar in Texas.  It just turned 33, which means that it's older than I am (barely) and I'm not quite sure if the place has changed since about 1978 or so.  Mary's is right on Westheimer in Houston, and is open about 20 hours a day, so you never know who you are going to see in there.  I mean, you know SOME of the people you are going to see, because they are always there.  But you will also, on any given day, see drag queens, cowboys, cigar smoking lesbians, naked people... it's just one of those sorts of places.  Great people watching, and the drinks aren't bad either.

So that was my weekend.  I had a great time, except for the eye thing  Hope yours was great, too.

Hey... remember two weeks ago when I said I'd write every weekday?  I shoulda known better.  It amazes me that I did that for a whole year, and now, I can't bring myself to write more than three times a week.  I'm so weak and pathetic.  Or maybe just haven't had anything to say.  Didja think about THAT?

Those who know me, know that's not likely.  I ALWAYS have something to say!

Sometimes, what I have to say is laced with profanity.  This is a habit that I need to work on.  I know how to turn it off... I don't sit at work saying, "You are all FUCKED if you believe this shit!" but I do tend to use more curse words than I need to.  And it amounts to laziness, really.  There are so many better ways to express yourself, and make yourself heard.  The truth is, profaninty has become so commonplace, we aren't really shocked by it anymore.

When I was in kindergarten, my teacher (Mrs. Berry, who I think was scared of us) washed my mouth out with soap for saying "butt," which I'm pretty sure isn't considered a cuss word anymore.  Now, over the last 25 years, we have denigrated to "ass" not being bleeped on TV and most networks barely bleep the word "fuck," so that you hear the "f" and the "k", and with any sort of lipreading at all, you know what the fBEEPk they just said, right?

I think it's only a matter of time before we hear the full word on network television.  I swear, at some point, w're going to have to make people eat beetles on television to shock us anymore.

Oh, wait, we already DO that, don't we?

I have found that from time to time, my life undergoes TONS of changes all at once... I guess that's how life is, right? A period of immutability, and then... changechangechange.

I'm not sure which I like better. I love change... crave it in fact, but with change can also come depression for me. And I have be very carefully in my head the whole time, using that cognitive therapy that I've paid so very much for, and make sure the decisions I make are healthy and sound. The good news is that it seems to be getting easier, but then, I'm in that immutability phase right now for the most part.

As for me and my life, I'm really really tired of being single. I have plenty of friends and at least enough sex as is healthy, but every morning, I wake up alone. While it's nice to have sole control over my domain and domicile, I still feel like something's missing. I'm at a point where I'm ready to not be so Mary Tyler Moore about my life and set up house (you know... but without the bad parties and white couches).

I realize that craving a relationship doesn't make one happen. In fact, I've seen too many men (some of whom I've dated) who were so desperate for a relationship that you could taste the desperation when you were around them.

And as I've written here before, I've gotten picky in recent years. Not so much about looks, but I want a man who I can have a conversation with, someone who's not going to ask me what "inundated" means. I want a man who's passionate about things, including me (but not cats!).

And I'm not so naive as to think that some man is going too come sweep me off my feet while birds chirp and harp music play, and we'll run through a field of flowers into our Destiny... to be joined as one.

God. I get sick just typing that. The truth is, that doesn't happen in life. Relationships take work, compromise and a good sense of humor, or you'd best just stay alone.

In the meantime, I'm not miserable. I have a life I love, and friends, family and pets who love me very much. Life's pretty good for me right now. Want to share it?

What a weekend I had!

First of all, I'm glad I had the A/C done in my car, because it was HOT all weekend.  I would NOT have enjoyed the drive to the Isle if I had been hot.  The temperature readout in my car consistently showed temps in the mid-nineties, and on the way home, it said it was 102 degrees.  I'll admit that my car is sometimes really a Drama Queen about the temperature, especially since the sensor is located about four inches from the engine, but it was really hot.

So I found the place we were staying without any problems, and Nate commented that they must have PhotoShopped the hell out of the photos on the website.  This should be alarming to you, since as you can see, the place doesn't look that nice, even on the site.  The best indicator that we were NOT staying in a four-star result was the hand lettered sign on the check-in counter that said, "You have 15 mins from the time you pay until you request a refund.  If you ask for a refund after 15 mins, you will be DENIED."

Try not to process the scenarios that would lead them to have to post that sign for a bit, and come to my room with me, okay?  Room 254 was last remodeled (and perhaps cleaned) in the late eighties by someone who loved to watch Golden Girls, and thought that Blanche Deveroux had very very good taste.  So much salmon and teal!  Cheap bamboo/rattan furniture!

Are you feeling tropical yet?  My mother calls motels like this "beachy."  I'm thinking that "sordid" isn't in my mother's vocabulary, then, because that's what this was.

But I wasn't there for the motel, I was there to relax and mingle among men.  It was a lot of fun, and I mingled all weekend.  I got meet some great guys, as well as spend more time with people I know, but don't get to see as often.  Great weekend all the way around, and just what the doctor ordered.  (At least, I think he was a doctor.)

I took some photos, and I'll share some of those later.

Usually, when I attend these events, I am tired when they are over, but I wish this one could have lasted longer.  That's always the hallmark of a good party, isn't it?  I didn't get a chance to spend as much time with some people as I would have liked.  That's the nature of these events, I guess.

Has it REALLY been a week since I've posted?  I went by so quickly, which happens when you're busy, and yet, it was a hell of a week, and seems like forever.  It's not like I haven't had ideas of things to post, either. Some of the things I want to tell you about regarding this week:

• The Shirt That Wants Me To Be Sexy:  On Wednesday, I decided to be daring and wear a hawaiian shirt to work.  From the moment I stepped out of my car, I began recieving compliments on it.  I felt all cool and shit.  However, the top buttonhole is a bit bigger than the button, so it kept popping open, showing more manly chesthair than I'm comfortable showing in the office.  This caused great stress for me all day, because I apparently don't have enough deadlines or broken email to worry about, I have to worry about being Inappropriately Sexy in an office where everyone knows I'm gay, and there are no other gay males to be impressed.  Damn you, Shirt That Wants Me To Be Sexy!!! Damn you!
• JournalCon 2003: Web Writer's Weekend registration is now open:  You've heard me blab here and there about this, and it's just now starting to seem real, and not something that's out there in the abstract.  We as a committee are really exicited, and I hope everyone else is, too, because we have some really neat things planned.  Registration has already opened, and it's $55 dollars now, but that will go up as we approach the event, so register now.  Also, if you live in Texas (lucky you) we have a special registration option for you, details are on the site.
• Texas is hot as hell already:  And I couldn't take it anymore.  Due to the immenent replacement of my car, I had decided to not invest in fixing the air conditioner in my old car, because it's expensive and I didnt' want to spend one more dollar on the Volvo Of Doom than I had to.  But I wimped out about midweek, and had it fixed.  I couldn't take it anymore.  When it's almost a hundred degrees in May, you know that June and July are just going to SUCK, so I bit the bullet.  Thank you, Banc One Visa, for the air conditioned car.  You can send me a thank you letter when I pay you back with interest, okay?
• I'm really looking forward to this weekend:  It's BearWatch in Galveston, and that means bears, fun, food, bears and more bears!  I'm leaving the office early today and heading south to the Isle of hey-there's-sand-and-grimey-water-what-do-you-want-from-us-it-ain't-pretty-but-it's-a-beach.  Galveston has tons of history, though, and some beautiful houses and public buildings.  Should be lot of fun, as I haven't been to Galveston in years.  I'll have a full report (and some pictures, too, maybe) next week.

Have a great weekend!

Last night, work had a guest speaker and a dinner for doctors that offer referals and assistance and support to us throughout the year (we totally couldn't do what we do without support of the doctors in our community) and since I'm the guy who can fix the LCD projector and laptop when they have to be fixed quickly, I got to go to the dinner, too. Whoo hoo! Free fajitas and margaritas!!!

It was actually a neat evening. I like that I have a job that enables me to learn something I didn't know about. The presentation last night was about pain management, or what we in the Hospice business now call palliative care.

It was interesting to me that they often ask patients to keep a journal of their thoughts, either online or on paper, and that they have found that those that journal often experience fewer physical and emotional symptoms. Isn't that interesting?

And I went back and took a look at my own life, and I found my depression is much less of an issue if I force myself to write my feelings down honestly. Even going back to junior high, I found that when I was taking writing-intensive courses, I felt better (depression has haunted me since I was very small child) It might be a coincidence, but then again, there could be something to it.

Just something for me to think about.

I have a lot planned for this weekend. I'm going to get to see a show this weekend, go to a waterpark, and go to a Beer Bust. Fun, fun. Don't forget... it's Mother's Day here in the US. Hallmark accordingly.

Being a wired, Internet kinda guy, you can imagine that I check out my bank account online almost daily to see what the wacky auditors are up to.

So you can imagine my surprise this morning when I three fees of 25 dollars marked as "od internal fee" on my screen this morning.  This was even more interesting in that my account still had a positive balance.

There is no such thing as a private phone call in my office.  It's frowned upon to close doors around here, and I swear that there are people around here who can hear through floors, doors, walls and plumbing.  By that, I mean we have many NOSY people around here.  I should know... I'm one of them.

So a phone call to my bank is not in order.  I didn't really relish saying things like "Yes, the three hundred dollar charge to Buttplugs and Porn, Inc. is legitimate." in full earshot of all of my respected colleagues.  Fortunately, my bank is but a mile from my office, so as soon as lunchtime rolled around, I went to the bank.

Much to my dismay, I found I had to wait.  I hate waiting, but they were holding 75 bucks hostage, so what could I do?  I made myself uncomfortable in their lovely mauve chairs (which were a different color than the mauve carpet... doesn't a BANK of all places have enough money for a GOOD interior designer?)

The person who chooses the magazines for my bank's lobby is very, very sexist.  I had a choice between Field and Stream or Good Housekeeping.  I'm sure we ALL know what I picked up, right?

Did you know that Joy Behar has an advice column in Good Housekeeping?  How is a not-very-good stand-up comic qualified to give advice to a woman whose husband is losing his hearing?  Just because you're friends with Barbara Walters doesn't mean...  Oh.  Wait.  It DOES mean you can do whatever you want.

SO anyway, the lady at the bank couldn't figure out the weird charges either.  In fact, she looked at my account and congratulated me on not having any overdrafts since I opened that account, and said that even if I HAD overdrafted, she'd refund them, because they can do that a few times a year for people who are "good customers."

She then looked at all my accounts and figured out that if I upgraded my checking to an account that only costs one more dollar a month, I would get the other accounts for free, and save about five bucks a month, which was cool by me.

So a mistake on the part of my bank has netted me the ability to go to Starbucks one more time a month.  Whoo hoo!

During the Austin Journaler's gathering on Sunday, Kramer told me not to buy a car until Mercury moves out of retrograde.  I almost told him I didn't have any intention or buying ANY Ford product, especially a Mercury, but then I realized he was talking about astrology, which makes sense, because Kramer only ever talks about astrology or sex, sometimes both.

But then I got to looking at this whole retrograde thing, and I realized that the day Mercury slipped into retrograde was the day that my network equipment went south at work, making my life pureed hell.  Hm.

Despite the fact that Mercury is in retrograde, life is beginning to look up for me.  Now that I've resolved my big problems at work, I have about a week of steady work fixing some minor things that popped up when I was too busy to take care of them.  I love my job again, and that's a great thing.

On Sunday, we had a JournalCon planning session, and that was very exciting.  When we got the bid, we began by planning the LOGISTICS of the weekend... which hotel, etc, and that was cool, but our session on Sunday was planning the actual programming, which was REALLY cool, because it's starting to seem real.  I'm pretty jazzed about some of the neato things we have planned, but that's all I'm going to say about it, because, you know, Jette will kill me if I give away any details.

After a few months of not updating as frequently, I've decided to go back to updating my site every weekday.  I just think I'll be happier with the quality of my writing when I exercise that muscle more frequently.  Good for you, too, because you know that everyday, when you come to this site, you'll most likely find a hot, steaming-fresh from the oven entry.  Whoo hoo.

I'll admit that I was a little bit cocky. I don't have any serious fear of heights, so I thought that I'd have no trouble at ALL doing the high ropes course at our company retreat on Friday.

So there I was, just after lunch, sitting at the top of a six story tower that they call The Screamer. I was wearing a harness that a kid just a few months out of college had attached a cable to that I was supposed to swing on. Holy Mother of Christ.

"You know what? I don't think I really want to do this."

"Are you sure? You were doing so well!"

"Oh, I'm GOING to do it, but I don't WANT to. So what do I have to do?"

"It's really easy, just put both of your hands on the cable, and then lean forward. I'll release you, and you'll swing."

Did I mention that all of my coworkers were sitting around the bottom, cheering me on? There were, and it wasn't like I could just say nevermind and have the guy just unhook the cable and go on about my business. I was In It, and there was nothing to do but lean forward and fall.

So I did, and I even managed not to cuss like a horny sailor as I fell. I ended up laughing. It was fun. And I was proud of myself. Yay!

I did a lot of the other high ropes functions, except for one called Leap of Faith, because I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to stand on top of a telephone pole and jump off. The girl who was spotting on the rope that keeps you from, you know, crashing to the rocks below weighed about 100 pounds, and I weigh 260, so I didn't fucking think so. Not hardly. Uh uh.

After a day of climbing ropes, walking on cables and the like, you'd think my normally-sedientary ass would be exhausted, but I think that all the adreniline in my body had me going. I ended up going to Austin last night to visit with some friends and I had a great time.

Today, I can barely raise my arms above my head, I'm so sore. I love it.

Do you ever say to yourself, "Wow, wouldn't it be cool if...?"

That is perhaps one of the most dangerous phrases in the English language.  I'm quite certain that anytime you say that to yourself, you're about to do something stupid.  It's a certainty, really.

For instance, I washed my car today.  Not by HAND, you understand, but by something called Laserwash, which I don't think really involves lasers, but it IS kinda cool because there's a robot arm spraying your car.

So as you drive out of the wash, these really, really high-power blowers blow on your car to dry it off.  So I thought (say it with me) "Wouldn't it be cool if I opened the sunroof to see how hard these jets are blowing?"

So I did, and it blew the contacts out of my eyes.

And I sat there, trying to focus, and I said the other thing guys always say in that situation: "That was stupid."

I do something like that once a week or so.  I swear, I'm apparently twelve years old.